If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
did i just pee glitter
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
