If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
