Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
