I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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