I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
