You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
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I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
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Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...