Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
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do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything