and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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