I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town