You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
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dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.