at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.