She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
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If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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