My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
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