i think i have two assholes
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
