whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
