the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
