I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
