Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
