I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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