some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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