He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
