I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
