I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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