News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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