Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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