Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
