Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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