My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
