Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
