Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
