I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
