my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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