I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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