Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
