I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize