Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
