you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
