Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
