my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
