her vagine was all disorganized.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
