You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
