I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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