My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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