the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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