Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
