so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
