He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
