i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
