Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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