can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
