i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
