There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
