wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
