i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
