He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
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No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
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Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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