I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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