I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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