Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
