How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
