It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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