so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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