He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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