Where did you get a picture of my penis
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
