I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
